Category Archives: Jokes

Some Unfinished Lists

SCARY THINGS 1. Sharks that shoot guns. 2. Guns that shoot sharks (!). 3. Sharks that fly and shoot lasers out of their eyes and steal drugs and carry smaller sharks and 4. BAD METAPHORS 1. A gun that cuts right to the truth. 2. A flower that smells like a different flower. 3. An […]
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Ideas for Happy Stories

A mail man and a dog learn to set aside their differences, and together they raise $10,000 for charity. When a suicidal, divorced mathematician thinks life can’t get any worse, he stumbles upon a time machine, goes back in time, and watches his parents fall in love. Then he takes some pictures of dinosaurs. Then […]
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If you go to an alternate universe…

…and meet the alternate version of your significant other, are you allowed to make a move? I think this is the kind of thing you should decide on with your spouse beforehand. You know, like in some kind of formal contract.
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The laziest movie pitch

Alright, so picture this: a kid gets his face eaten and then there’s a big investigation. And… uh, well that’s it.
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Confessions of a Sleazy English Professor

I’ve had tenure for awhile now, but I’ve only recently found the courage to teach my “Graphic Novels as Literature” course. And by “Graphic Novels as Literature,” I mean a couple old issues of Amazing Spider-Man I found in my basement, where Spider-Man fights the Hulk, and then they team up and beat the #$@% […]
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Two Victorian gentlemen enjoy the effects of opium

GENTLEMAN 1: What! What! Eh… eh, oh, by God! By God! GENTLEMAN 2: Great Scott! My face is positively melting! (He begins clawing at his face.) GENTLEMAN 1: By… God! GENTLEMAN 2: (pointing) And so is yours! GENTLEMAN 1: By… God! (Outside, an over-dressed fop with a brightly coloured overcoat walks past the window.) GENTLEMAN […]
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An alien writes haikus about his trip to Earth

1. Saw an Earth movie today–what a twist! “Rosebud” was only his sled. 2. Man, don’t fajitas taste so good? I think I will spare this weak planet. 3. Meet the President? To heck with that–I want to go to Disney World. 4. Don’t mind me: I’m just testing my new death-ray on some endangered […]
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Dear Mr. Director of Wildlife Canada, sir

Dear Mr. Director of Wildlife Canada, sir, I think you should know that the underground world of “Moose vs. Gravity” has really taken off, and if you are interested in this highly lucrative opportunity, all I need is a few more moose to replace the ones that have recently been lost. Most sincerely yours, Mike
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Real life Superman origin

As the doomed planet Krypton meets its end, Kal-el’s parents make a quick decision: they place their beloved son into a small space pod and send him off into space. He floats off into the darkness–forever.
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Some ideas

Little helmets and scuba gear so that bees can go underwater. A flashlight that turns on and off really fast, so that when you point it at something, that thing becomes the object of a disco. A game called “Dance Rules Revolution,” in which long, boring rules for various types of dance competitions come on […]
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